My favorite little guy

Innocence, a clean slate that I wish I had. Excitement in a smile and comfort in a familiar face. I look at him and envy his beginning, envy the pure love he will receive without any reservations. Right now he's perfect, but the world will surely change that. The clean eyes that I look to for that missing piece that was lost in myself will soon grow tired with judgements pointed out by others. One day his genuine laugh that makes me giddy because there is no sarcasm behind it may fade. But when he looks at me there is no judgement, just pure love. I am someone he trusts, someone he feels safe with. I wish I could protect him from all the insecure people he will meet that will tear him down. I can't, thats a battle nobody ever wins. The only thing I can do is hope that any good in myself rubs off on him in the rough times and it helps get him through to the other side.

A night with Mr. Ward

Sing me a song with your soft boyish melodies
Surround me with the comfort in your voice and lull me to sleep
A misty blue persuasion keeps me cold and awake
But the key to my slumber lies in the soothing touch of your voice that seeps into my ears and rests behind my eyes
Your comforting chorus relaxes on my tongue and with every exhale sits on an escaping whisper
You never let me down, your always there for me to runaway with
A relationship that gets stronger with every note
I take it with me wherever I go

Dying since the day I showed up

As morbid as it might sound, I think about my death. About who would show up to my funeral and what people would say about me. If anybody would miss me, and if my existence made any difference in this world.
Have I lived my life the way I want to be remembered? Have I loved the way I always imagined I would?
I imagine death being like a big dream, a dream that you don't understand. A floating abyss of time in the palm of a hand.
I hope it's a like song, your favorite song that reaches deep into your stomache, and caresses your blood so you feel it everywhere. A song that makes you absolutley perfect in that moment. That moment that will last forever, or at least until the next journey. :)

I imagine someone saying " Amanda was child of love, in fact thats what her name means. Deserving of love, surrounded by love. Amanda loved with her mind, her eyes, and her whole heart. When you feel the crisp air on your cheeks, read a line of comfort, or hear a song that makes you know it's going to be okay, you'll feel her there with you and realize she's left a piece of herself in all of us"

Brainiac

I can't escape it tonight, two glasses of wine in and I can't get out of my brain. I never figured out the off button to the damn thing. My heart has been getting crazy again, pounding on my chest like it's looking for an escape. It steals my breath and makes me feel weak, out of control...I was never in control. I sit, breath slowly and let the air kiss my lungs hoping to subside the anxiety. In return, my cheeks are rosey with tingles and it feels good when I smile. I wish I had someone to cuddle with tonight, someone who would kiss my forehead and make me feel safe. Someone who with the stroke of his hand on my rosey cheek would calm me and put me to sleep.

CoAcHeLLa...a long day, a long blog

I went to my third Coachella about six days ago, every time I go it gets a little better. This year I had to go! For a hundred bucks I would have been satisfied to see Paul McCartney alone. But, for my money they threw in M. Ward, The Black Keys, Conner Oberst and the Mystic Valley Band, Crystal Castles, freaking Ghostland Observatory (so awesome), and Morrissey. So very much worth my money. This year had a really nice theme with these artists. They all sounded better then their albums. Seeing them live gave me the tingles. Our first person on the list was the "oh so adorable" and extremely talented M.Ward. Of course being on the second stage he had some audio trouble, never fails on that stage. But it didn't break him, and when it got handled he put on such a great show.

He had a professional whistler in one of his songs, I think I just found a new career path for my dad...
Next up was The Black Keys... I was really excited for this one, a sexy sounding bearded guy who plays an amazing rock/blues guitar. The drummer is really awesome too. They were really good!Although I was a little sad they were on the mainstage. It's a two man group and they were too small on that huge stage. They don't have a big enough show to fill the stage, so they got lost a little. I would love to see them again though, smaller setting.
After the blues mood was set we headed back to the second stage for some Conner Oberst and the Mystic Valley band. I wasn't as familiar with his music, I just know him as Bright Eyes. But a friend we were with loves him so we checked him out. I was impressed! His songs were really good to listen too and fun. He talked a little spacey and I wasn't on anything to be able to understand what he was talking about, but his songs made me happy and so did his Omish hat.

This guy also made me happy...

After Conner's set, we went to the Sahara tent to catch the last half of the Crystal Castles set. They were good, but they were probably the only artist we saw that I actually like the album more then the live show. But they weren't bad by any means. By the time we got there the tent was jammed. I couldn't take any pictures or video because it was so packed tight you couldn't see anything. After them came Ghostland Observatory... AHHHH!!!! Ghostland Observatory... Not much to say...the music, lasers, keyboard player in a cape, and american indian lead singer that has moves like Freddie Mercury, speaks for itself. Hands down one of the most entertaining shows I've ever seen. (warning:on some of the videos are pretty shaky at times...very hard to stay still during this set)

After the most amazing set with Ghostland we headed to the main stage to catch the end of Morrissey. He was really good too, it was a little hard for my adrenline to come down so low after ghostland's set but I really enjoyed him. I was amazed how good he sounded and looked for his age. At one point he took his shirt off and I was a little stunned by how good he looked with out it. He ended with "How soon is Now" which was really cool. I was kind of sad I missed the whole vegetarian whine I heard he had going, that pissed so many people off.

And after that was the king of music himself, Sir Paul McCartney. I got goosebumps watching him. It was the best concert I have every seen. The man is in his late sixties and he played 35 songs. It was incredible, words can't describe it. He is so genuine and silly and fun. I love him! He sang everything, our camera's couldn't capture how great it really was nor every song we wanted to film. My little camera said kaput in the middle of his set. But we managed to capture some of the magic. Only a percent of the greatness we witnessed.

Sadly there isn't enough time to really see all the cool art and sculptures they have around...but heres some fun stuff

I never miss the tesla coil...

Once again proving no need to use a flash when I'm in a picture... At the end of the night I have to admit we were one of the thousands who couldn't find our car. In our defense, they don't make it easy. Coachella third time round was so much fun!

O'Bama Rama

I am constantly amazed with some of things I have seen and lived through in the world that will be in history books for the rest of my life. Sitting through history class you never realize that it's possible to be alive and witness any of the events you learn in your history books. Yesterday was a moment in history that will change our future.
I am not one for politics. Through the years I have purposely ignored elections and anything related to politics because I always believed it was bullshit. I always saw it as people who were hungry for money and power and no one really ever cared about the country. Yesterday that changed for me. I like Obama, I believe he wants a better future for our country. But I also wanted to make sure that I wasn't a sheep following the herd. To many people I meet in my day to day life, don't look at the facts. They get influenced by everything around them and don't make decisions for themselves. I refuse to be one of those people. I don't care that all my friends are Democrats. I don't care that my parents are Republicans. What they believe is what they believe, and nobody can influence me without all the facts. With all that said, passed getting all misty eyed while he spoke again,whether you are Democrat or Republican, Obama made me believe that there is hope in this country's future for change. That the path we are all on right now can only end badly, that we need to unite as a country and show the rest of the world that it is possible. That it is possible to live in a country where everyone is free, people can be whoever they want to be, dreams are not out of reach, and than peace can prevail. It was the most uplifting speech I think I have ever heard, So Kudo's to Mr. Obama for turning a girl with doubt in the world she lives in, to a girl with hope in a future that she will want to raise kids in one day.

resolutions

Another freaking year has passed, and it went entirely too fast. Our economy is in the shit hole at the moment, everyone is struggling. People are doing drastic things, no one really feels like themselves anymore. So what is there really to look forward to in 2009. I think this next year is going to be about "hope". We have hope in a new president, we have hope that things are going to make themselves right again. Everything needs to be turned around and upside down once in awhile. It keeps us spoiled un-appreciative humans in check. It makes us satisfied with the lives we have and stop thinking about what we don't have. We start seeing how lucky we are with everything in our world. This past year has been a reality check. And this next year is going to be hard work, but amazing to see what people can do when they come together in this kind of a time.
As for myself, I stopped believing in other people a long time ago. I felt constantly dissappointed by people that I truley trusted. I gave up on them, I gave up on society, I just plain gave up and stopped trying. I just stayed put behind these walls I created for myself a couple years ago. This new year is about hope for myself also. Hope that I can join the real world again. I have realized how many wonderful people I know, how there are good people out there and it's worth trying. I have hope in myself that I can make myself happy, follow my dreams, and finally be comfortable in my own skin.
Everyone is talking about how 2009 is going to be a hard freaking year and people are going to feel it. That is probably true, but I feel that it is going to make everyone stronger, everyone really love one another, everyone will see themselves stripped of all the bullshit. And I have hope that we will enter 2010, stronger and most of all happy.
This goes for every single one of my friends that is in "it" right now. We stick together, we will make it out just fine. Just keep your hopes high.

My Resolutions:
- (Let's get the annoying one out of the way) I'm going to lose weight, I don't know how much, but enough until I am happy.
- I am going to stop worrying so much about loved ones problems and start working on building my own happiness.
- Take care of myself, health wise. I am probably the unhealthiest vegetarian around. I got to fix that.
- I want to try hard to be positive. I used to be a positive person and at one point I got very cynical.
- I am going to work hard at making my friends know that I love them for who they are. I always have loved them for who they are, but certain ones this past year made clear that I don't always act that way.
- I am going to work hard at following my dreams, I gave up on those a long time ago

I feel woken up, after I have been a sleep for a couple years. I have been sitting on my ass trying to figure out who I am. By doing that I lost something, I lost something that made me, well me.
2009 is going to be better....it's in the stars! :o)